What is a real man?
Who's asking?
Pretty much everyone. At some time or another. Men do some strange stuff.
Call to Action:
So if you weren´t aware, this past month a school in Nigeria, Africa was stormed by members of the Islamic Terrorist group Boko Haram and an unknown number of girls were kidnapped. The number of girls captured was initially reported to be very low, but in the month that has passed the articles and videos dispaly a more accurate number near 130 girls.
This post is currently under maintenance...please enjoy the infotainment while your party struggle buses his way to copying the words to the computer with slow wifi
So no this post will not be about the four pillars of manhood because I think there are more than four and I chose that picture because I felt it would be a good preface for the entry. If you're pulling my arm and making me choose, I would have to say that honor, respect, determination, and strength (all kinds) are probably the four pillars I would choose.
Now on to the actual content.
Continued from above... (disclaimer: I'm not a professional writer or anything so excuse me if this isn't all encompassing or pro grade. I also like to mix in humor with all this seriousness, gotta keep it at least a little light. Giving my probable three readers due diligence)
After I heard about the news coming out of Nigeria I was taken aback by the reaction from all of the social media sources across the globe. Make no mistake I was definitely in favor of this reaction but the thought did cross my mind, as it usually does in these scenarios, as to what the criteria is for a national outcry when several other grotesque news stories don't get nearly as much coverage. One can't deny that many other terrible stories fall by the wayside and I'm just curious as to what processes make a media sensation. Luckily I feel like I've been kept well informed about kidnapping and trafficking. I remember hearing plenty about it during the "Toxic" series at sanctuary and learning about the tremendous efforts to put an end to trafficking in major cities like San Francisco. Even with this information about substantial efforts on the home front, it's sad to see that even with progress here there is still no refuge for millions of people out there in the world where evil and malicious intent thrives.
In this instance the headline of "300 girls kidnapped" is plenty criteria for me. In my time abroad I have absolutely learned more about the dynamic between men and women on a global scale. I didn't really know too much about the feminist cause, but when events like this surface (regardless of the underlying causes or motivations), the "Down with men!" battle cry is hard to argue with. Now being a man, this surely doesn't sit well with me I think in equal parts because I like to hope that in large the majority of men are decent human beings but I also know for a fact that there are terrible "men" out there that commit horrific atrocities against women. It's interesting because in the weeks leading up to my full exposure to the Nigeria situation, I just happened to have partaken in some discussions about topics such as rape culture and feminism with some of my friends. Also among the topics was the role that men play in some of the most grotesque aspects of society including the sex slave trade, human trafficking/kidnapping, and rape. Before this gets too one sided I want to mention that women are not guilt free as there are plenty of rape cases with a male defendant but I think the stigma is firmly directed at men.
The news in Nigeria about this mass kidnapping of women (by men) got me thinking and my first thought was of course "Why would anyone do this?" I'm still gathering info about the men behind it and their organization but the details are still a bit murky. Furthermore as I thought more about it I came to realize that even though I was really hoping for a quick and safe return of all those captured, the odds are that this won't be the case. As bad as it sounds, I think the clock began to tick for some of those girls as soon as they were taken and with all the cracks in the system it seems almost certain that some girls won't be coming home. I hope I'm wrong. I'm not going try and make conclusions based on feeling as I do not have expertise on the matter, but like everyone else I'm watching and waiting for positive news to come out.
Another thought I had though settled more on the themes that resided behind the flashy headlines and gritty images on CNN. These themes were sure to be on the minds of many after the initial dust settled and people assessed how they felt about the situation. Some of these themes are undoubtedly surrounding ideas like domestic violence, sex slavery, rape and ultimately the interplay between men and women. I can't speak for men that aren't me and I'm sure that other men do hold my views about proper treatment of others, but the reality of high abuse rates leads me to believe that the number of those other men may be smaller than I predict. Again I know I'm focusing on violence toward women but let's not forget that violence is often a two way street as the term "domestic violence" doesn't have a specific aggressor-victim gender definition attached to it. The cases that stem from an abused woman taking revenge after being abused present a profound moral quandary (I would not want to be on that jury) but that is just a part of the discussion. It would probably need its own post as well. The main train of thought I had though is what really got me to start putting ideas on a page. I know that there have been plenty of other people dissecting these issues but I think it's important to work things out for yourself as well. Who knows you might find something in your consciousness you hadn't thought of before.
Let's start with the dynamic between men and what the heck happened to it! This age old relationship driven at times by lust, love, friendship, hate, and pretty much every other emotion you can think of has only become more complex since our hunter-gatherer days. You know "the good ol' days." Well maybe not so much. Now it seems like more than ever there is a call for the end of atrocities like the forced selling of sex and abuse, yet the rates of these incidents seem to be on the rise. What's going on? Well for starters everything. A myriad of factors play into how these and other situations arise. Again I'm not going to try and pretend like I'm an expert on the subject. I'm not a violent man so the mindset that would lead to these things is even that much more foreign to me despite my predisposition of being male. At the moment I'm just a 22 year old guy trying to build up some wisdom for the storms I know life is going to throw my way, she's a "clever girl" that one is. (Bonus point for those the catch my Jurassic Park reference) I'm also pressed for time being a teacher in Spain while also needing time to enjoy the country as well. I'm just gonna do my best to make a coherent post and go from there.
Sorry about that friends. Like you´ll find me describe in the Things I Miss post, the internet comes and goes.
Many of the aforementioned issues have at their root a man who has lost his way or has taken liberties with his stature in such a way that produces intimidation and fear. Now don´t get me wrong, I´m not throwing around the phrase ¨lost his way¨ lightly, in the sense that at trial the defendant can say ¨well I dunno what I what doing there in her bedroom waiting for her. I guess I just lost my way.¨I use that term seriously. For example just the other day I listened to a podcast about a man who lost his daughter after she was murdered and raped. This man was in a home that wasn't his while trying to escape happened upon this young women. He propositioned her for sex and she said he´d have to kill her first. Unfortunately he did just that. Understandably the parents wanted the death penalty, but were also deeply concerned about the man´s backstory. In this case the offender in was born in a mental institution and had several other mental issues. He had quite literally, and also figuratively, lost his way. Now I understand this isn't the norm and this violent crime probably steers your mind toward rape and abuse but there was something in the mind of that killer, some kind of seed, that allowed him even in that altered state to request sex and then force himself on a woman. That tells me that the cultural impact facing men is stronger than I thought.
Going back a ways to the time of the first and second world wars, I think we can see one root of the current mindset entrenched in today's society. The role of women today, at least in the minds of some, is still several rungs down on the totem of respect. Some people still think that women are best at providing services to men and that they can give a "good time" to any man. This is evidenced in part by the extreme proliferation of the underground sex trade. So back to the 40s and 50s. It hasn't always been this way, in fact during the height of the second world war women took on a larger role in aiding the war effort. Women saw substantial gains in autonomy during this time and reaching even further back, women's suffrage had made substantial headway for the respecting of women in future generations. During the war when most all of the men were away fighting, the women were the ones who went to work in the factories helping construct planes and doing work with heavy machinery. Over two millions women found work during the war in roles originally thought only for a man. Still, women faced scrutiny and criticism along with reluctance from the government even though they were performing the job functions well and at times better than the men who preceded them. After some digging I came across data that in my hometown of Long Beach, CA, detailing the efforts of women at the Boeing hanger constructing planes. Even so, that reluctance I mentioned remained and indicated that despite their success and devotion to country, there remained underlying feeling of superiority and disrespect among men primarily. I can understand where these ideas come from a putting it matter of factly, in that time men were the bread winning, family defending, war winning symbols of the country. Not that women didn't have an equally important role raising the future of the nation. It's akin I think to jobs of today that many people see as beneath them but in reality know that without them life would cease as we know it.
I think this lack of respect is based not only in a prideful feeling of a more imposing anatomy (usually) but putting the duty of men in the limelight caused the country to adapt its view in a way that help men superior and bred disrespect. even with this being a possible contributing factor, I don't think this view was one of inequality. I don't think the result of the war was men coming home and immediately beginning to disrespect their wives but it was probably a byproduct of the male adoration. My grandmother and grandfather were together for decades and after being in the service I know my grandpa never disrespected her. They had a high level of mutual respect that I saw each time I went to visit, so I don't think the 40s and 50s were a time of improper treat when you compare it to now. I do think that seeds of the past have sprouted into some pretty terrible manifestations though. This of course is just scratching the surface and provides only one theory about why respect toward women has slumped since the baby boomer generation.
I think I'll leave it at that and move on to thoughts about rape culture and culture in general today. First up on the chopping block:
THE MEN
Who's fault is it that in today's society there is so much disrespect and an attitude of belittlement toward women? Men
(Don't worry women are up on the block next)
Ever since my talk with a pretty cool Canadian I met in Paris, I've been racking my brain trying to get a grip of the situation that is the mistreatment of women. It's tough for me to put myself in the shoes of a man that would do anything to hurt a woman intentionally because that's not how I roll. I feel like I need to think about it anyway for my sake and for the sake of the friends I make in the future. I think that most guys are well intentioned when they set off to the club looking to "score." Let me stop right there though because somehow "meet a nice girl" has morphed into "score" over the years. Now people go out looking to score and I get it but it doesn't make it any better. I think I benefited from my parents blocking most junk TV that was on when I was a kid. I didn't watch MTV or VH1 (except for the music videos, loved those) or Simpsons, Southpark, etc. Looking back, I think that maybe some of the messages you get bombarded with for the first 10 years of your life can have a negative effect. Pair that with parents that don't take the time to correct those effects or teach their kids to be above and of course you have a recipe for disaster. This seems like a far way off from rape but I think it's relevant to some degree.
I'm not going to say that TV or the media or whatever other mediums that parade sex around like a flashy new car are the cause of rape culture because after I figured out the security pin (sorry mom and dad) I would occasionally watch MTV and all the other not so great TV. I didn't turn out to be someone that mistreated women so I dont't think that media is totally to blame. I think that over time a combination of things like media, and influence of friends, and interactions with women help shape that kind of man that boys become. This is difficult to articulate without going on and on but I'll focus on the relationship with women. Men want to meet women and date women but like I said before I don't know how the "meet a nice girl" become "score." I think it has to do with the idea that the dynamic between men and women has changed dramatically over the years. I think now women have much higher levels of self respect and a mindset of independence. These two things can be tough for men to reconcile with because it adds to the challenge of meeting that nice girl. And unfortunately as a result of this independent attitude some men have taken the low road mentality and that mindset has steadily spread. So maybe that's a key. This is why I think the men0women dynamic is so crucial to this issue. Women present more of challenge in today's society and it's directly related to the treatment of women by men. I have no doubt on the other side of the coin women are looking for a "nice guy" but that has become more difficult as the screening process for men has become even more stringent over the years. Also more often that not a guy will screw it up before the screening is even halfway done.
This vetting process can inevitably lead to failures and frustration for men. I'm sure even in the day's of Grease Lighting there were well intentioned guys that struck out. (Hence the "nice guys finish last" argument, yet another topic for another day) I don't know for sure how this frustration over time led to the reckless and too often violent reality we exist in but I can imagine it having something to do with frustration coming to a head and a boy who didn't have a firm guiding hand along with a decent group of friends, thinks he's being led on by a girl, and realizes he could use his stature to take what he wants. Is this wrong? Hell yeah it is. Is it immature? Extremely. Do I understand? Completely, but that will never make abusing your situation ok.
After I heard about the news coming out of Nigeria I was taken aback by the reaction from all of the social media sources across the globe. Make no mistake I was definitely in favor of this reaction but the thought did cross my mind, as it usually does in these scenarios, as to what the criteria is for a national outcry when several other grotesque news stories don't get nearly as much coverage. One can't deny that many other terrible stories fall by the wayside and I'm just curious as to what processes make a media sensation. Luckily I feel like I've been kept well informed about kidnapping and trafficking. I remember hearing plenty about it during the "Toxic" series at sanctuary and learning about the tremendous efforts to put an end to trafficking in major cities like San Francisco. Even with this information about substantial efforts on the home front, it's sad to see that even with progress here there is still no refuge for millions of people out there in the world where evil and malicious intent thrives.
In this instance the headline of "300 girls kidnapped" is plenty criteria for me. In my time abroad I have absolutely learned more about the dynamic between men and women on a global scale. I didn't really know too much about the feminist cause, but when events like this surface (regardless of the underlying causes or motivations), the "Down with men!" battle cry is hard to argue with. Now being a man, this surely doesn't sit well with me I think in equal parts because I like to hope that in large the majority of men are decent human beings but I also know for a fact that there are terrible "men" out there that commit horrific atrocities against women. It's interesting because in the weeks leading up to my full exposure to the Nigeria situation, I just happened to have partaken in some discussions about topics such as rape culture and feminism with some of my friends. Also among the topics was the role that men play in some of the most grotesque aspects of society including the sex slave trade, human trafficking/kidnapping, and rape. Before this gets too one sided I want to mention that women are not guilt free as there are plenty of rape cases with a male defendant but I think the stigma is firmly directed at men.
The news in Nigeria about this mass kidnapping of women (by men) got me thinking and my first thought was of course "Why would anyone do this?" I'm still gathering info about the men behind it and their organization but the details are still a bit murky. Furthermore as I thought more about it I came to realize that even though I was really hoping for a quick and safe return of all those captured, the odds are that this won't be the case. As bad as it sounds, I think the clock began to tick for some of those girls as soon as they were taken and with all the cracks in the system it seems almost certain that some girls won't be coming home. I hope I'm wrong. I'm not going try and make conclusions based on feeling as I do not have expertise on the matter, but like everyone else I'm watching and waiting for positive news to come out.
Another thought I had though settled more on the themes that resided behind the flashy headlines and gritty images on CNN. These themes were sure to be on the minds of many after the initial dust settled and people assessed how they felt about the situation. Some of these themes are undoubtedly surrounding ideas like domestic violence, sex slavery, rape and ultimately the interplay between men and women. I can't speak for men that aren't me and I'm sure that other men do hold my views about proper treatment of others, but the reality of high abuse rates leads me to believe that the number of those other men may be smaller than I predict. Again I know I'm focusing on violence toward women but let's not forget that violence is often a two way street as the term "domestic violence" doesn't have a specific aggressor-victim gender definition attached to it. The cases that stem from an abused woman taking revenge after being abused present a profound moral quandary (I would not want to be on that jury) but that is just a part of the discussion. It would probably need its own post as well. The main train of thought I had though is what really got me to start putting ideas on a page. I know that there have been plenty of other people dissecting these issues but I think it's important to work things out for yourself as well. Who knows you might find something in your consciousness you hadn't thought of before.
Let's start with the dynamic between men and what the heck happened to it! This age old relationship driven at times by lust, love, friendship, hate, and pretty much every other emotion you can think of has only become more complex since our hunter-gatherer days. You know "the good ol' days." Well maybe not so much. Now it seems like more than ever there is a call for the end of atrocities like the forced selling of sex and abuse, yet the rates of these incidents seem to be on the rise. What's going on? Well for starters everything. A myriad of factors play into how these and other situations arise. Again I'm not going to try and pretend like I'm an expert on the subject. I'm not a violent man so the mindset that would lead to these things is even that much more foreign to me despite my predisposition of being male. At the moment I'm just a 22 year old guy trying to build up some wisdom for the storms I know life is going to throw my way, she's a "clever girl" that one is. (Bonus point for those the catch my Jurassic Park reference) I'm also pressed for time being a teacher in Spain while also needing time to enjoy the country as well. I'm just gonna do my best to make a coherent post and go from there.
Sorry about that friends. Like you´ll find me describe in the Things I Miss post, the internet comes and goes.
Many of the aforementioned issues have at their root a man who has lost his way or has taken liberties with his stature in such a way that produces intimidation and fear. Now don´t get me wrong, I´m not throwing around the phrase ¨lost his way¨ lightly, in the sense that at trial the defendant can say ¨well I dunno what I what doing there in her bedroom waiting for her. I guess I just lost my way.¨I use that term seriously. For example just the other day I listened to a podcast about a man who lost his daughter after she was murdered and raped. This man was in a home that wasn't his while trying to escape happened upon this young women. He propositioned her for sex and she said he´d have to kill her first. Unfortunately he did just that. Understandably the parents wanted the death penalty, but were also deeply concerned about the man´s backstory. In this case the offender in was born in a mental institution and had several other mental issues. He had quite literally, and also figuratively, lost his way. Now I understand this isn't the norm and this violent crime probably steers your mind toward rape and abuse but there was something in the mind of that killer, some kind of seed, that allowed him even in that altered state to request sex and then force himself on a woman. That tells me that the cultural impact facing men is stronger than I thought.
Going back a ways to the time of the first and second world wars, I think we can see one root of the current mindset entrenched in today's society. The role of women today, at least in the minds of some, is still several rungs down on the totem of respect. Some people still think that women are best at providing services to men and that they can give a "good time" to any man. This is evidenced in part by the extreme proliferation of the underground sex trade. So back to the 40s and 50s. It hasn't always been this way, in fact during the height of the second world war women took on a larger role in aiding the war effort. Women saw substantial gains in autonomy during this time and reaching even further back, women's suffrage had made substantial headway for the respecting of women in future generations. During the war when most all of the men were away fighting, the women were the ones who went to work in the factories helping construct planes and doing work with heavy machinery. Over two millions women found work during the war in roles originally thought only for a man. Still, women faced scrutiny and criticism along with reluctance from the government even though they were performing the job functions well and at times better than the men who preceded them. After some digging I came across data that in my hometown of Long Beach, CA, detailing the efforts of women at the Boeing hanger constructing planes. Even so, that reluctance I mentioned remained and indicated that despite their success and devotion to country, there remained underlying feeling of superiority and disrespect among men primarily. I can understand where these ideas come from a putting it matter of factly, in that time men were the bread winning, family defending, war winning symbols of the country. Not that women didn't have an equally important role raising the future of the nation. It's akin I think to jobs of today that many people see as beneath them but in reality know that without them life would cease as we know it.
I think this lack of respect is based not only in a prideful feeling of a more imposing anatomy (usually) but putting the duty of men in the limelight caused the country to adapt its view in a way that help men superior and bred disrespect. even with this being a possible contributing factor, I don't think this view was one of inequality. I don't think the result of the war was men coming home and immediately beginning to disrespect their wives but it was probably a byproduct of the male adoration. My grandmother and grandfather were together for decades and after being in the service I know my grandpa never disrespected her. They had a high level of mutual respect that I saw each time I went to visit, so I don't think the 40s and 50s were a time of improper treat when you compare it to now. I do think that seeds of the past have sprouted into some pretty terrible manifestations though. This of course is just scratching the surface and provides only one theory about why respect toward women has slumped since the baby boomer generation.
I think I'll leave it at that and move on to thoughts about rape culture and culture in general today. First up on the chopping block:
THE MEN
Who's fault is it that in today's society there is so much disrespect and an attitude of belittlement toward women? Men
(Don't worry women are up on the block next)
Ever since my talk with a pretty cool Canadian I met in Paris, I've been racking my brain trying to get a grip of the situation that is the mistreatment of women. It's tough for me to put myself in the shoes of a man that would do anything to hurt a woman intentionally because that's not how I roll. I feel like I need to think about it anyway for my sake and for the sake of the friends I make in the future. I think that most guys are well intentioned when they set off to the club looking to "score." Let me stop right there though because somehow "meet a nice girl" has morphed into "score" over the years. Now people go out looking to score and I get it but it doesn't make it any better. I think I benefited from my parents blocking most junk TV that was on when I was a kid. I didn't watch MTV or VH1 (except for the music videos, loved those) or Simpsons, Southpark, etc. Looking back, I think that maybe some of the messages you get bombarded with for the first 10 years of your life can have a negative effect. Pair that with parents that don't take the time to correct those effects or teach their kids to be above and of course you have a recipe for disaster. This seems like a far way off from rape but I think it's relevant to some degree.
I'm not going to say that TV or the media or whatever other mediums that parade sex around like a flashy new car are the cause of rape culture because after I figured out the security pin (sorry mom and dad) I would occasionally watch MTV and all the other not so great TV. I didn't turn out to be someone that mistreated women so I dont't think that media is totally to blame. I think that over time a combination of things like media, and influence of friends, and interactions with women help shape that kind of man that boys become. This is difficult to articulate without going on and on but I'll focus on the relationship with women. Men want to meet women and date women but like I said before I don't know how the "meet a nice girl" become "score." I think it has to do with the idea that the dynamic between men and women has changed dramatically over the years. I think now women have much higher levels of self respect and a mindset of independence. These two things can be tough for men to reconcile with because it adds to the challenge of meeting that nice girl. And unfortunately as a result of this independent attitude some men have taken the low road mentality and that mindset has steadily spread. So maybe that's a key. This is why I think the men0women dynamic is so crucial to this issue. Women present more of challenge in today's society and it's directly related to the treatment of women by men. I have no doubt on the other side of the coin women are looking for a "nice guy" but that has become more difficult as the screening process for men has become even more stringent over the years. Also more often that not a guy will screw it up before the screening is even halfway done.
This vetting process can inevitably lead to failures and frustration for men. I'm sure even in the day's of Grease Lighting there were well intentioned guys that struck out. (Hence the "nice guys finish last" argument, yet another topic for another day) I don't know for sure how this frustration over time led to the reckless and too often violent reality we exist in but I can imagine it having something to do with frustration coming to a head and a boy who didn't have a firm guiding hand along with a decent group of friends, thinks he's being led on by a girl, and realizes he could use his stature to take what he wants. Is this wrong? Hell yeah it is. Is it immature? Extremely. Do I understand? Completely, but that will never make abusing your situation ok.
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